Dear Ex Boss, In regard to you firing me today, I feel the need to say; I made your coffee the way you liked best, I just added a touch of gin to give you an hourly zest. I answered the phone very efficiently, Did you blame me for hanging up because the calls weren't for me? I applied myself to typing with extra care, I've written my latest novel while working there. I knew the importance of relaying your messages to you straight away, I just thought you'd find it nicer if I posted them on postcards, while on holiday. I really liked the sound of your distinctive voice. That's why I taped and imitated you - by choice. I always kept confidential anything I heard behind your office door, It's not my fault the bugging device later relayed it to 100 people on the next floor. I always presented myself professionally, How can I be blamed for those men propositioning me. I always ensured the office was well equipped, I thought you'd enjoy something different, like the mask and the whip. And just before I go, I think it's important you should know; Your boss emailed, High Priority, re your order for a Kinky Toys game. I had made sure you received the credit, by ordering in your name. Your best friend now thinks you're a louse. She wants to know why you sent a suggestive text to her spouse. Your boyfriend wants to talk to you about some photos he saw on the net. And by the way, I'm returning your mobile phone with 100 messages sent. And don't worry, no one will see this private note. It's been programmed to self destruct one minute from opening the envelope.